I have be away from my blog for to long! With the end of the year upon us and my sobriety birthday just ahead, I find myself checking and double checking my behavior. Am I doing what I need to do, what I have been taught to do? What Have I changed in my routine?

With all the memorial services I have recently attended it is all to real to me that I have only today and what I do to remain spiritually fit-must remain in tact!

Congratulations to Julie for her 1 year,Christina for 1 year and Hannah for her 1 year. Congratulations to Meg for 2 years and to Laura for her 2 years! Debbie for 3 years,Cathy for 3 yrs, Laurie for 3 yrs . Haley for 2 years,Molly for 3 yrs,Anna for 3 yrs,Polly for 2 yrs,Jessica l FOR 1 YR Kristi for 1 yr Saundra congratulations on 9 mos.Jenny for 3 mos.Michele for 3mos. Nancy for 30 days, Missy for 60 days Cynthia  for 80 days.Erin I love you congradulations on your clean time. Aron im praying for you,Emilie and Sally I have you in my morning mediation!!!!I hope you find your way.Jackie -you to!!!

I hope the rest of you will contact me and let me know how life is treating you. My love to all of you.

Emily B may you rest in peace, love to your family this holiday season. Wayne you were a light for many.

Peace Love Om

Kathleen

 

Today a long time resident moved into her own place, well not completely her own , she'll be sharing a really cute little house. Her wings are ready for her to soar on her own! It was a little over a year ago that I picked her up from the airport. She has completed all 12 steps and a few amends. She has begun to sponsor others. She has multiple commitments and has found a power greater than herself. At 19 years old she now has a chance, as long as she continues to build her spiritual life.

We went out to eat sushi and share the memories. The house feels empty.Of course it isnt... so looks like 4 until the next arrival.

Thanks HP for allowing me to share the miracle of recovery.

Kathleen

This week I met with my sponsor Tyla with whom I am doing the Big Book Awakening step study workshop with.We all have our our private appts with her to do the 5th step with.This year I again thought "maybe I don't need to do a workshop again" Who am I kidding right! I have 3 resentments completed and 1 sexual inventory to take with me to her house.The appt is at 3pm I messs it up and show up at 1pm. Anyway I spent the morning in quiet time reviewing my work asking myself "is there anything else," have I been thorough?Etc Etc. That's how I came up with the Sexual Ideal. I didnt have one written out, silly me.So I allow God direct my thinking and end up with a Sexual Ideal to take with me. But the thing I want to share is WOW upon my review of my work so far I see that for the first time EVER in my 16 years of sobriety I do not find  on my fears list "fear of being crazy" or Fear they think Im crazy , no crazy any where!!!! For those of you who do the work and maybe those that dont you can understand the excitment in the discovery!

PS I thought I should add this for those not familarwith the step work, my sexual ideal is not an idea of whom I want to find them to be ....NO NO it is whom I want to be in a relationship. Surprise surprise.

 

Let me add that we don't do the steps so that we will feel better either, No where does it say we write inventory to feel better.We write inventory to find the things that block us from the sunlight of the spirit.

Have a wonderful day.

 

We have been having a great time, every Saturday we've been going up to Ramona to do a horse workshop.It is called a confidence and trust building workshop using horses.I've been around horses, even owned one but never knew how they think and how they live as a herd. The behavior is much like the women living in the house as a group, early in recovery. We are like a herd of prey animals.Fight or flight. And its fun, which I love to see my house members do, laugh and enjoy them selves.

Thank you Marie and Joe, from Settle Down Ranch, Ramona Ca.

 

Wow my i phone tells me its 192.01 months and 5844 days !!!!!!!!!!! one day at a time.  Why I was able to face all of this life that I have, is far beyond my understanding.But I do know right now this very day and I have known why for the last 4 of my years in this fellowship.I have done the work to the best of my ability and continue to my best,not that I do it perfectly but that it is MY best.

Every day is a day that I must carry the message of recovery to those who want it!!

Thank you Judith H. the first women to take me through the steps Thank you Ira for our time together, both of you passed this life and with me you left the knowledge that this program can and will work for anyone whom seeks it.Thankyou Wendy for teaching me how to meditate .

My wonderful Tyla my sista in recovery , for sharing the Big Book Awakening with me!!Which in turn changed the quality of my recovery. Thank you Mark Houston for showing me how to run a sober living home,thru the work you did while you were here on this earth. Many more thanks to Fred whom I have known since my first months in recovery,you continue to suport me in so many ways you will never know!! Lastly let me not forget the women in my support group that have always been there for me thru the boyfriends, husbands, Clintons accident, the rebuilding of my life, thank you Catherine for all the laughter that has healed my wounds,Barbara,Andrea,Wendy and Tyla, for the love andsupport that only a woman can give another woman!Thank you Mike my exhusband, for all your support during the most difficult days,months,years after my son,Clintons accident.Thank you Greg,Fred,Tom,Gregory.

Of course I give thanks to my own personal God,Power of this universe creator of all things A God that I never fear ,A God that I can always rely on A God that does for me what I could never do on my own.My God that keeps me safe when I never felt safe before!!!

I stand an empowered woman !! I am a miracle.

 

 

Happy New Year 2011

Well here it is a new beginning! How will I spend this new year and what will it hold for me? I'm going to begin my steps again and I'm excited to get started on that we begin on the 16th. So the year is off to a great start! Last nights party was full of beautiful recovering people, I'd say over a hundred easy. It feels good it feels safe to be a part of this fellowship.On the 8th my youngest son will be 32 years old.His birthday was the first event 16 years ago that moved me into my lasts days of drinking,So I started it off and in 10 days I will celebrate my 16th year of sobriety! the 16th I begin a rigorous step study and the 19th I hope to spend with my father for his birthday I think he will be 88 this year. On the 20th my miracle son will turn 34 and thats another gift! So the year will be starting off well. I hope this year to go to Kauai to visit a dear friend and my resolution is to begin dancing again.

Happy New Year to all.

Kathleen

Tonite I feel so much a part of. It is still fresh in my mind how it felt in the beginning,people were laughing and doing things together. the leader in the meeting called on everyone else to share,I did not feel a part of . I did not know how to even begin.I always felt like an outsider.It wasnt like that today.I had a really busy day as usual,taking new comers to meetings working with a sponsee, hitting up a late meeting. I ended up seeing a dear friend get 9 years! The leader asked me to share.What is amazing is I had something more that my personal drama to talk about. I'm able to share the storyof hope!AA didn't get me my life back it gave me a life.I am so grateful for the members of AA. I love my life today and I love the higher power in my life. I'm Kathleen and I'm a grateful alcoholic!!!

 

 

I find that when choosing page 63 I want to go back to page 62 and read at least the opening sentence of the last paragraph. "This is the how and the why of it. I urge to you to read on. However I am discussing page 63.

Remarkable things have happened in my life since I began this journey on Jan.10,1995. I not the woman I am today.I in fact was not a woman.I was not capable. The entire chapter How it works could say How it worked in Kathleen's life. I learned that life run on my terms my ideas simply did not work,In my delusional thinking I believed everyone wronged me.So okay then what? I gave in to the idea that there needed to be someone else in charge. Yikes more delusional thinking happened. I interpreted that into some man could do a better job being in charge with my live. How unfair that was to this guy or that ! "in the past we have made decisions based on self which later placed us in a position to be hurt."

So even in sobriety I experienced painful events.I could not rid myself or reduce my self centeredness by wishing or trying, I had to have a power greater than any human power. I had to have spirt's help,Power of the universe's help, Buddha's help,God Help! What ever you choose to call it.

I had to quit playing God.I had to have a new director of the live I had I had to have a new employer new boss. I QUIT RUNNING THE SHOW.

This concept is the cornerstone of my recovery!I passed thru to freedom.My life is honestly just as this book state It is remarkable,all sorts of remarkable things continue to happen to me.I can feel the power within me today, this is remarkable, from where I began!I have peace of mind,I have discovered I can face life successfully!I am conscience of the powerful force that us to baffle me.I have lost most of the fear that robbed me of a life.I don't worry about today tomorrow and the hereafter. My entire life is reborn.

I urge all of you to join me on this powerful journey. Give yourself this holiday season the gift of sobriety!

 

About year 11 of my recovery, a set of circumstances brought me to a step study workshop. As a result of my willingness and action,I began a new journey that renewed my spiritual awakening,in all honesty I now know that I did not have a working relationship with a power greater than myself.I had only the knowledge that I needed one and acceptence that one exsisted. It was a powerful experience that changed the entire course of my life.

"I did not know that I did not know. I could not see that I could not see.I spent years asleep,dreaming that I was awake"

 

I have the opportunity to work this week with a mother of 4 the youngest is only 8 mos old. She has the seemingly hopeless situation. Thank God I have the past life experiences in which to reflect back.I was the seemingly hopeless situation which they speak about in the Big Book.

I suggest you read pages 83 to 88 which are the promises.

I will not regret my past nor will I wish to shut the door on it.No matter how far down the scale I had gone I will use that experience to benefit others.

I rejoice today for I know in my heart that women like this mother,women like myself they have hope.  The promises are revealed in my life on a daily basis.I humble myself to God. I thank God for the gift of sobriety. For the beauty of my life. How many people get this kind of life! I love the life God has given me as a result of doing the work.  I encourage all of you to work to 12 steps. They are a gateway to freedom.Ask yourself how free do you want to be.

 

Bills Story page 13

"My friend promised when these things were doneI would enter upon a new relationship with my creator;that I would have the elements of a way living which answered all my problems. Belief in the power of God,plus enough willingness, honesty and humility to establish and maintain the new order of things, were the essential requirements."

 

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous page 66

It is plain to see that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness.

My live was infinitely different before the first time I ever worked the 12-steps. It continues to evolve as I redo them.

Boy did I "squander the hours" of my life . I was full of anger and resentment!

As the book goes on saying; "For the alcoholic whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience...Resentment is infinitely grave."

So what do I do daily if my hope to keep this new life? Just as it says I maintain my contact with God thru prayer and meditation, I continue my step work and I therefore have growth in my spiritual life.

I ask you what are you doing to keep what you have today,What are you doing to have the reprieve from what ever your addiction may be?

 

 

I have friends in the program that do this morning devotional reading and text on the phone, there are 100's on it, he is allowing me onto a portion of the list . Some of you know my story includes that I was once married to a preacher's son, they are missionaries, this meant of course I had resentments towards all things Christian including the written works The Bible. So when I found out that this was biblically based hum well well now what, I welcome all things my HP puts in my path, as a great learning experience right!? I have listed this resentment many times and thought I guess this will be good And I do really want to be a part of this wonderful  experience.Like the big book of AA says, an open mind and a new experience, or maybe thats NA haa haa I love both books and now I see wonderful things in THE BIBLE.wow I am growing in the sunlight of the spirit!!!SO this morning the reading was in Luke I remember this reading because remember when I was married into this family I taught sunday school.And by the way I was not an active alcoholic/addict at that time.I had not begun my journey YET I didnt drink till I was 25.

So, LUKE 18:1-3  I read on into 27

LUKE 18:27 says And he said The things which are impossible with men are possible with God.

Yep right there in the Bible

 I immedaitely recalled the chapter Into Action page 87 Big Book AA  We usually.. meditation...If circmstance warrant we...There are many helpful books( in this case the bible) Be quick to see where religious people are right.Make use of what they have to offer.

I will share with you my devo I sent off:

Luke 18:27 And he said the things which are impossible with me are possible with GOD.Pg 66 How It Works BB,AA How it works: It is plain to see that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futilty and unhappiness...Squander the hours...For the alcoholic whose hope is the maintence and growth of a spiritual experience...Resentment is infinitely grave. Have a beautiful day